How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing – it was on the house.

What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
“Get out of my face.”

A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee.
“A sore knee?” the doctor said. “Have you tried icing it?”

Last Christmas I bought my friend a lie detector as a gift.
“Oh… I love it!” she said.
“We’ll see,” I said.

How did the bauble know that she was addicted to Christmas?
She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis.

What do you call a blind reindeer?
No-eye deer.

What do you call a blind reindeer with no legs?
Still no-eye deer.

Why was the snowman embarrassed when he was spotted rummaging through a bag of carrots?
He was caught picking his nose.

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The Ghost of Christmas passed.

Why are mummies such big fans of Christmas?
Because they enjoy wrapping.

What is one of the best Christmas presents that you can give and receive?
A broken drum.
Why?
Because you can’t beat it!

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.
It’s a gift.

Why did Santa have to go to the hospital?
Because of his poor elf.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They’re always dropping their needles.

I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today.
I think it was from my Uncle Ben.

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack.

What is Santa’s favourite kind of pizza?
One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.

Why did the red-nosed reindeer help the old lady cross the road?
It would have been Rudolph him not to.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer.

Did you hear about the man who stole an advent calendar?
He got 25 days.

The Christmas jumper my kids gave me last year kept picking up static electricity.
I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge.

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 8lb 2oz when he was born?
They had a weigh in a manger.

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.

Why did the turkey join the rock band?
Because it had drumsticks.

I got a universal remote control for Christmas.
This changes everything.

What do you call an old snowman?
Water.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.

Who does Santa call when his sleigh breaks down?
The Abominable Towman.

What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
The cold shoulder.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Why is everyone thirsty at the North Pole?
No well.

What did the third wise salesman say after his friends had already presented gold and frankincense?
But wait – there’s myrrh!

What’s a reindeer’s favourite singer?
Beyonsleigh.

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: *sipping toast* Why?

How did the reindeer learn to play piano?
He was elf-taught.

Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
The North Pool.

Who is Santa’s favourite actor?
Willem Dafoe-ho-ho.

Why did Mrs. Claus insist Santa take an umbrella?
“Because of the rain, dear.”

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

The only Christmas present that I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.

What could you call an elf who has just won the lottery?
Welfy.

Did you know that Santa actually only had two reindeer?
Rudolph and Olive (the other reindeer).

My friend just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition.
I thought to myself, “How can you top that?”

Who tells the best Christmas jokes?
Reindeer. They sleigh every time.